Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Saturation point.
I am feeling super groggy and I seriously need to rest and relax my mind. Had dinner before going IRC to mug stats. I really study better when I am out of my house. Thats when I really focus and try to absorb as much as I can. Met yisheng with some girl at IRC. A pleasant coincidence. As always mentioned, coincidence and surprise of any sort are welcomed.
I need to look through questions and work on them to solidify the concepts and theories and to mega check if I really understood each mathematical definition. Drank coke just now, its making me physically awake but I am mentally drained. No good. It is really very rush for me given that I have one less day and so many nights that can't be used to mug because first, we only knew about the test 1 week ago on wed, second, I was freaking too tired from CCAs and lastly, was busy doing edits and rushing geog assignment. I took 1 full week to mug for mid term 1. I took less than 3 days to study mid term 2 when things are obviously harder. I finish reading through the textbook. Kinda lazy to mentally work out the questions in my head. I NEED to work on them coz I know that if I think I know, I usually don't. I am not confident of doing that well this time round. But I will try, damn hard.
I am super affected. Its emotional turmoil, its making me unhappy but what can i do? It is no longer exclusive. Talking to yijun made me feel damn crappy. What have I done to deserve this. Just because I made too much assumptions on the simple offer that doesn't mean anything at all? Because I decided to trust again that made me feel like an idiot now? Because I fell for it and i am having trouble climbing out of the hole that I dug myself? I will not be this stupid ever again. I am not going to throw myself into such a trap. Better wake myself up, build up the defensive wall all over again because life as it has always been, is going to hurt me. I must learnt to be strong and turn the tables round to show ppl what shit life is all about. Its not that I am overly stressed or what, I have yet to reach that ultimate stage which all hwachong councillors have seen. I could be thinking too much but if things are not going too well for me, I wouldn't be having all these thoughts rite? Why would I think about sad stuff when I am feeling happy and vice versa? You can argue that this is not true but too bad, my emotions work this way. Accept it.
Fuck this, I have wasted enough time. Do whatever that is utilitarian because I don't fucking care anymore. I fucking dislike myself for having such undesirable thoughts, for trying to comfort myself into believing things that are obviously on the wrong track. I soured the whole thing with my stupidity and naiveness.
oh well, i will get over it IMMEDIATELY, to show that I fucking let go already. Off for stats.
I am feeling super groggy and I seriously need to rest and relax my mind. Had dinner before going IRC to mug stats. I really study better when I am out of my house. Thats when I really focus and try to absorb as much as I can. Met yisheng with some girl at IRC. A pleasant coincidence. As always mentioned, coincidence and surprise of any sort are welcomed.
I need to look through questions and work on them to solidify the concepts and theories and to mega check if I really understood each mathematical definition. Drank coke just now, its making me physically awake but I am mentally drained. No good. It is really very rush for me given that I have one less day and so many nights that can't be used to mug because first, we only knew about the test 1 week ago on wed, second, I was freaking too tired from CCAs and lastly, was busy doing edits and rushing geog assignment. I took 1 full week to mug for mid term 1. I took less than 3 days to study mid term 2 when things are obviously harder. I finish reading through the textbook. Kinda lazy to mentally work out the questions in my head. I NEED to work on them coz I know that if I think I know, I usually don't. I am not confident of doing that well this time round. But I will try, damn hard.
I am super affected. Its emotional turmoil, its making me unhappy but what can i do? It is no longer exclusive. Talking to yijun made me feel damn crappy. What have I done to deserve this. Just because I made too much assumptions on the simple offer that doesn't mean anything at all? Because I decided to trust again that made me feel like an idiot now? Because I fell for it and i am having trouble climbing out of the hole that I dug myself? I will not be this stupid ever again. I am not going to throw myself into such a trap. Better wake myself up, build up the defensive wall all over again because life as it has always been, is going to hurt me. I must learnt to be strong and turn the tables round to show ppl what shit life is all about. Its not that I am overly stressed or what, I have yet to reach that ultimate stage which all hwachong councillors have seen. I could be thinking too much but if things are not going too well for me, I wouldn't be having all these thoughts rite? Why would I think about sad stuff when I am feeling happy and vice versa? You can argue that this is not true but too bad, my emotions work this way. Accept it.
Fuck this, I have wasted enough time. Do whatever that is utilitarian because I don't fucking care anymore. I fucking dislike myself for having such undesirable thoughts, for trying to comfort myself into believing things that are obviously on the wrong track. I soured the whole thing with my stupidity and naiveness.
oh well, i will get over it IMMEDIATELY, to show that I fucking let go already. Off for stats.
23:35
