Sunday, 27 December 2009
Suddenly feel like blogging.
Woke up at almost 2:30pm today. Didn't feel like doing anything at all, I am forever feeling tired like there isn't anything in particular that makes me look forward to waking up early and feeling alive. This is quite saddening right.. My life is like messed up despite not doing much about it. I am very confused about my directions in life, like what goals do I have. Am I just living for the sake of living, doing what is expected of me as a student, a daughter, a friend? I duno, it seems to me that I am like a 19 year old kid living in a 80 year old body. I am unfit despite all the physical trainings I did, despite all the exercises I completed. Whatever that are important to me in the past don't really mean that much to me anymore, at this moment. Okie, this might sound like bullshit but its not. My thoughts aren't exactly very organised I am just spitting out whatever thoughts that were running through my mind.
I am hypocritical, like I don't think I am real to everybody. I was looking through some photos just now and very evil thinking kept wandering in my mind. I think I really hate you. I hate you for being such a bitch even though you are not a bitch, even though you are very nice and bubbly and cute and all. But I really can't stand the fact that God treated you unfairly well. You are always so lucky and you have everyone waiting before your skirt for your approval and rejection. Your mood just affects everyone around you and ppl do things willingly to help you out. You might not even notice this. Your naiveness is a powerful asset, and a disgusting one too. People see you like fairy from heaven, pretty and angelic, but I don't see it the same way. Theres just something about you that don't make me feel the same way as how others see you. I trust my feelings entirely. But well, maybe no one else hates you like I do. Even then, I still want you as my friend. but how can these thoughts exist at the same time?
Okie, thats negative enough. I really hate myself for being such a coward. I don't dare to express my feelings for people. I hate myself for being so fickle minded. I hate myself for having no guts and drive to pursue what my heart desires. I have high expectations but I don't make things happen. I am just a piece of crap that people think have the potential to do better. Why that impression? I am just that lousy and all the incidents that happened proved all of you wrong, even myself. I am just not an achiever. I am as mediocre as you can imagine. I can't see where I would stand 10 years down the road. I don't see any future at all. Is this a sign that I would die early? Maybe? like I am crushed to death during cheerleading practice one day.. I fucking hate my face and every part of me.
I don't understand why my life just sucks to the max. I duno how to feel optimistic anymore. I really feel like crying till my body dehydrates. I fucking feel that I don't want to live in this world anymore but I don't have the courage to die an unnatural death.
I really need a break from all the pollutions in my world. Can i have an invisible cloak to hide under? Can I become invisible? I need fantasies in my life, I want to feel alive. I really need to talk to someone soon, someone who understands.
Woke up at almost 2:30pm today. Didn't feel like doing anything at all, I am forever feeling tired like there isn't anything in particular that makes me look forward to waking up early and feeling alive. This is quite saddening right.. My life is like messed up despite not doing much about it. I am very confused about my directions in life, like what goals do I have. Am I just living for the sake of living, doing what is expected of me as a student, a daughter, a friend? I duno, it seems to me that I am like a 19 year old kid living in a 80 year old body. I am unfit despite all the physical trainings I did, despite all the exercises I completed. Whatever that are important to me in the past don't really mean that much to me anymore, at this moment. Okie, this might sound like bullshit but its not. My thoughts aren't exactly very organised I am just spitting out whatever thoughts that were running through my mind.
I am hypocritical, like I don't think I am real to everybody. I was looking through some photos just now and very evil thinking kept wandering in my mind. I think I really hate you. I hate you for being such a bitch even though you are not a bitch, even though you are very nice and bubbly and cute and all. But I really can't stand the fact that God treated you unfairly well. You are always so lucky and you have everyone waiting before your skirt for your approval and rejection. Your mood just affects everyone around you and ppl do things willingly to help you out. You might not even notice this. Your naiveness is a powerful asset, and a disgusting one too. People see you like fairy from heaven, pretty and angelic, but I don't see it the same way. Theres just something about you that don't make me feel the same way as how others see you. I trust my feelings entirely. But well, maybe no one else hates you like I do. Even then, I still want you as my friend. but how can these thoughts exist at the same time?
Okie, thats negative enough. I really hate myself for being such a coward. I don't dare to express my feelings for people. I hate myself for being so fickle minded. I hate myself for having no guts and drive to pursue what my heart desires. I have high expectations but I don't make things happen. I am just a piece of crap that people think have the potential to do better. Why that impression? I am just that lousy and all the incidents that happened proved all of you wrong, even myself. I am just not an achiever. I am as mediocre as you can imagine. I can't see where I would stand 10 years down the road. I don't see any future at all. Is this a sign that I would die early? Maybe? like I am crushed to death during cheerleading practice one day.. I fucking hate my face and every part of me.
I don't understand why my life just sucks to the max. I duno how to feel optimistic anymore. I really feel like crying till my body dehydrates. I fucking feel that I don't want to live in this world anymore but I don't have the courage to die an unnatural death.
I really need a break from all the pollutions in my world. Can i have an invisible cloak to hide under? Can I become invisible? I need fantasies in my life, I want to feel alive. I really need to talk to someone soon, someone who understands.
01:06
