Thursday, 7 October 2010
It is an unearthly hour to blog but I just couldn't fall aslp after trashing things out. I couldn't stop crying, maybe I am too stressed, maybe I just didn't know what is going to happen from now on.
I ask myself the questions that were posed to me:
Is result really so important to you?
Why do u have so much expectations on other people?
Why are you so persistent in your thinking?
Why do you not want to compromise in group work?
What makes you think you are right and you are better and others should follow you?
I know that there is nothing wrong with living by my own principles, nothing wrong with expectations but I am just super upset that because of the way I am, because of the way I think, I am dubbed as the perfectionist-wanna-be, the selfish, the stubborn, the result-faced. Anyway, I want to make this clear, I am not angry with you or disagreeing with whatever that you told me so please don't misunderstand. I am just really depressed that this has to happen, that I am the main cause of all the problems within the clique, within the project group.
I always try my best in everything I undertake, I am never satisfied with my performance because I want the best for myself, for everyone around me. I force myself to be hardworking, i force myself to achieve things that seem impossible, i force myself to be what I aimed to be. Translating this to academic work. I force myself to not sleep because I did not finish researching for my project andwhat I need to do. I force myself to study even though I am really damn sick and tired of school. I force myself to give quality work such that no one can fault me for it. Many many more. Results, academic ones, is really important to me. This dictates the amount of money I can earn in the future, this determines what type of job that I can get, this predicts the kind of stepping stone that I can rely on in the future. I missed the chance to go overseas to study hospitality management because my A level results is not good. I forgone the opportunity to do what I am interested in because my A level results cannot qualify me in Nanyang Business School to do this course. The only reason for all these to happen was because I didn't study hard enough. When you are good, you don't need luck, thats the quote that I remember my discipline master in Anderson said, which I really think makes alot of sense. If I have prepared sufficiently well for the exam, I wouldn't have gotten anything less than a B. I selectively study for PF1102 topics and hence i did badly for this module. I finish my cheat sheet for ST1131 that morning itself without really understanding some of the things and hence I did badly for this module. I started memorizing just the night before for PF1103 and not looking at the notes carefully, and hence I didn't do as well as I think I may have. All these problems boil down to my laziness, my inability to study hard and hence all these are reflected on my result slip. Because it was all my own fault that I didn't prevent all these from happening, when I effectively could if I work hard enough.
Its the same for cheerleading. I started running because I really want to fly. I want to cut my weight down, i tell myself no supper, no unhealthy food as much as possible. But I lost of all of it because I have no discipline, because I cannot tell myself to not eat when I am stress. I could have gone for all the OTOT to improve myself, but I didn't because I wanted a break for myself to rest. I didn't fight for my chance to fly during training because I just let things be the way it is, because no base requested me to fly for them. Cheer is taking up alot of my private time and social life but I am still committed to it because I don't want to be lousy in something that I like doing. I work so hard just to earn a chance but i still don't get to fly alot because the bases are not strong enough for me. I want to do all the tosses and stuff but I really can't because I don't get to practice that often.
I don't have a very good family background, there are alot of problems at home which I choose to ignore because I really don't know what I can do about it. I am afraid to ask money from my dad because I have to get all the glares and scoldings before I get it, or sometimes I don't. I know that I don't earn an income and I am using money transferred to my bank account from my mum, so I don't spend on stuff that are not exactly a necessity such as clothes, make-up and beauty treatments because those are her hard-earned money. I always try to pick the cheapest in the food menu everytime I go to a restaurant for celebration, when i go out with friends etc etc, until someone told me that I shouldn't be so thrify on food, I should just eat something I like, or eat to reward yourself for the hardwork. And I started heeding the advice and stop torturing myself.
I don't know why am i saying all these for because nothing has changed and I am still the same old me, someone whose values and principles are not welcomed by her friends, someone who expects so much and don't meet expectations and basically, a loser in all areas.
Nobody understands and I just can't stop crying.
I ask myself the questions that were posed to me:
Is result really so important to you?
Why do u have so much expectations on other people?
Why are you so persistent in your thinking?
Why do you not want to compromise in group work?
What makes you think you are right and you are better and others should follow you?
I know that there is nothing wrong with living by my own principles, nothing wrong with expectations but I am just super upset that because of the way I am, because of the way I think, I am dubbed as the perfectionist-wanna-be, the selfish, the stubborn, the result-faced. Anyway, I want to make this clear, I am not angry with you or disagreeing with whatever that you told me so please don't misunderstand. I am just really depressed that this has to happen, that I am the main cause of all the problems within the clique, within the project group.
I always try my best in everything I undertake, I am never satisfied with my performance because I want the best for myself, for everyone around me. I force myself to be hardworking, i force myself to achieve things that seem impossible, i force myself to be what I aimed to be. Translating this to academic work. I force myself to not sleep because I did not finish researching for my project andwhat I need to do. I force myself to study even though I am really damn sick and tired of school. I force myself to give quality work such that no one can fault me for it. Many many more. Results, academic ones, is really important to me. This dictates the amount of money I can earn in the future, this determines what type of job that I can get, this predicts the kind of stepping stone that I can rely on in the future. I missed the chance to go overseas to study hospitality management because my A level results is not good. I forgone the opportunity to do what I am interested in because my A level results cannot qualify me in Nanyang Business School to do this course. The only reason for all these to happen was because I didn't study hard enough. When you are good, you don't need luck, thats the quote that I remember my discipline master in Anderson said, which I really think makes alot of sense. If I have prepared sufficiently well for the exam, I wouldn't have gotten anything less than a B. I selectively study for PF1102 topics and hence i did badly for this module. I finish my cheat sheet for ST1131 that morning itself without really understanding some of the things and hence I did badly for this module. I started memorizing just the night before for PF1103 and not looking at the notes carefully, and hence I didn't do as well as I think I may have. All these problems boil down to my laziness, my inability to study hard and hence all these are reflected on my result slip. Because it was all my own fault that I didn't prevent all these from happening, when I effectively could if I work hard enough.
Its the same for cheerleading. I started running because I really want to fly. I want to cut my weight down, i tell myself no supper, no unhealthy food as much as possible. But I lost of all of it because I have no discipline, because I cannot tell myself to not eat when I am stress. I could have gone for all the OTOT to improve myself, but I didn't because I wanted a break for myself to rest. I didn't fight for my chance to fly during training because I just let things be the way it is, because no base requested me to fly for them. Cheer is taking up alot of my private time and social life but I am still committed to it because I don't want to be lousy in something that I like doing. I work so hard just to earn a chance but i still don't get to fly alot because the bases are not strong enough for me. I want to do all the tosses and stuff but I really can't because I don't get to practice that often.
I don't have a very good family background, there are alot of problems at home which I choose to ignore because I really don't know what I can do about it. I am afraid to ask money from my dad because I have to get all the glares and scoldings before I get it, or sometimes I don't. I know that I don't earn an income and I am using money transferred to my bank account from my mum, so I don't spend on stuff that are not exactly a necessity such as clothes, make-up and beauty treatments because those are her hard-earned money. I always try to pick the cheapest in the food menu everytime I go to a restaurant for celebration, when i go out with friends etc etc, until someone told me that I shouldn't be so thrify on food, I should just eat something I like, or eat to reward yourself for the hardwork. And I started heeding the advice and stop torturing myself.
I don't know why am i saying all these for because nothing has changed and I am still the same old me, someone whose values and principles are not welcomed by her friends, someone who expects so much and don't meet expectations and basically, a loser in all areas.
Nobody understands and I just can't stop crying.
05:53
