Sunday, 5 September 2010
♥ Being the stupid me again
I know it is abnormal to emo in the day, but I really really can't help it.
I miss you so much Ping Kee. Read your blog after seeing new post on your facebook account, posted by your family members. I am a sinner, for not knowing how much you have went through, for not being there for you when the doctor broke the news of the spread of the cancer cells. The only thing I can do now is to cry cry cry... that's like how useless I can be. To think I ever considered myself as your close friend? I am not anywhere near there at all.
I have been so busy nowadays that I actually took my mind off alot of issues that were heart-wrenching for me. Only during the weekends when I have more own time that I start to recollect and reflect. I seriously am a big failure in many respects. It is really time to accept the fact that I am not as capable as I thought I was, that people think I was. I am simply not that good, 我遭透了! As vulnerable as I can get, I tend to hide all these away from friends. Forcing myself to get used to being independent, to learn to solve problems on my own, to tell myself that I am a big girl now, strong enough to overcome anything as long as I am determined to. Recently, I really find it damn tiring to take everything upon myself as much as I don't want to trouble anyone. I really hate it when friends appear in my life and tell me that they would be there for me, and when I decided that I can share some of my troubles with, are not exactly present. I am selfish yes, I am super selfish because I only want these people to listen to me, to be there for me only, or at the very least, make me feel this way. Time and again, when this trust is lost, I am back to being alone, feeling stupid all over again.
Expecting too much hurts hell lots really. When am I truly happy before? Happiness never ever lasts you know.. Pingkee's demise really really make me want to try things that I have done before, to treasure all the times I had, to work hard enough to achieve what I set to do.
Back to work..
I miss you so much Ping Kee. Read your blog after seeing new post on your facebook account, posted by your family members. I am a sinner, for not knowing how much you have went through, for not being there for you when the doctor broke the news of the spread of the cancer cells. The only thing I can do now is to cry cry cry... that's like how useless I can be. To think I ever considered myself as your close friend? I am not anywhere near there at all.
I have been so busy nowadays that I actually took my mind off alot of issues that were heart-wrenching for me. Only during the weekends when I have more own time that I start to recollect and reflect. I seriously am a big failure in many respects. It is really time to accept the fact that I am not as capable as I thought I was, that people think I was. I am simply not that good, 我遭透了! As vulnerable as I can get, I tend to hide all these away from friends. Forcing myself to get used to being independent, to learn to solve problems on my own, to tell myself that I am a big girl now, strong enough to overcome anything as long as I am determined to. Recently, I really find it damn tiring to take everything upon myself as much as I don't want to trouble anyone. I really hate it when friends appear in my life and tell me that they would be there for me, and when I decided that I can share some of my troubles with, are not exactly present. I am selfish yes, I am super selfish because I only want these people to listen to me, to be there for me only, or at the very least, make me feel this way. Time and again, when this trust is lost, I am back to being alone, feeling stupid all over again.
Expecting too much hurts hell lots really. When am I truly happy before? Happiness never ever lasts you know.. Pingkee's demise really really make me want to try things that I have done before, to treasure all the times I had, to work hard enough to achieve what I set to do.
Back to work..
18:16
