Wednesday, 15 September 2010
♥ An emo day again
I kinda lost it again when I read the email regarding the weight issue for cheerleader. I kinda estimated everyone's height and weight and did the BMI calculation online. Guess what i found? Every senior flyer in the team is severely underweight... like 16.2? 16.7? :( I am like probably the only one in the acceptable weight range. I am really hoping that I will be able to hit 50 by the end of 2010. But right now, I am so freaking tired, so freaking sick of everything already. I have to put in double the effort which may not even translate to equal amount of chance to be a flyer in a routine.. I can don't fly of course, but that wasn't what I want to achieve in this cca.
Like what rebecca told me, everyone is appreciative of me being the base, helping to backspot, holding my own entire weight as a flyer but that simply isn't enough. The amount of injuries I have sustained from doing girl's group is making me really depress whenever my shoulders sublux during gymnastics/flying/basing, or even doing simple things like pulling a scorpion which become so difficult now because of my injured elbow which probably wouldn't recover already. So what if I have the flexibility but I don't have healthy working arms to pull my legs up? Basing is still okie I guess, but I had my share of temporary dislocation from doing retakes, catching cradle, doing backwalk etc etc. I am really damn super upset.
People around me keep telling me to quit, to cut some slack, to just let myself rest. But I really don't want to lose out, or rather I don't want to just give up like this, without putting on a fight. So why am I complaining right? Like whats my point of saying all these things? I am just emo-ing really. Feeling damn super restless in RVR now, structural system tutorial is making me damn stressed up oso because I just realised that I made a mistake for being careless. I thought about this morning when I cleared the air with yingtong and about what she said. There is probably nothing wrong with her, its all me, I am the one creating unnecessary trouble. Everything about me is just damn troublesome. Fucking stubborn, fucking attitude, fucking stupid... I should just bang myself on the wall until I knock out. I am just being such a lousy person, I AM SO LOUSY, LIKE DAMN FUCKING LOUSY. I CAN'T EVEN DANCE WELL ENOUGH. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING PROPERLY AT ALL.
I REALLY WANT TO BECOME BETTER. BECOME BETTER... but i will just end up feeling disappointed with myself again and again :'(
feeling real real terrible, just fucking despise me pls.
Like what rebecca told me, everyone is appreciative of me being the base, helping to backspot, holding my own entire weight as a flyer but that simply isn't enough. The amount of injuries I have sustained from doing girl's group is making me really depress whenever my shoulders sublux during gymnastics/flying/basing, or even doing simple things like pulling a scorpion which become so difficult now because of my injured elbow which probably wouldn't recover already. So what if I have the flexibility but I don't have healthy working arms to pull my legs up? Basing is still okie I guess, but I had my share of temporary dislocation from doing retakes, catching cradle, doing backwalk etc etc. I am really damn super upset.
People around me keep telling me to quit, to cut some slack, to just let myself rest. But I really don't want to lose out, or rather I don't want to just give up like this, without putting on a fight. So why am I complaining right? Like whats my point of saying all these things? I am just emo-ing really. Feeling damn super restless in RVR now, structural system tutorial is making me damn stressed up oso because I just realised that I made a mistake for being careless. I thought about this morning when I cleared the air with yingtong and about what she said. There is probably nothing wrong with her, its all me, I am the one creating unnecessary trouble. Everything about me is just damn troublesome. Fucking stubborn, fucking attitude, fucking stupid... I should just bang myself on the wall until I knock out. I am just being such a lousy person, I AM SO LOUSY, LIKE DAMN FUCKING LOUSY. I CAN'T EVEN DANCE WELL ENOUGH. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING PROPERLY AT ALL.
I REALLY WANT TO BECOME BETTER. BECOME BETTER... but i will just end up feeling disappointed with myself again and again :'(
feeling real real terrible, just fucking despise me pls.
01:43
