Wednesday, 22 August 2012
♥ School life again...
Been really busy for the past few months. School is in the 2nd week already so fast right? Time really really flies...
I guess I am just gonna let everything out without any covers. Because seriously, I think I have been bottling up for so long so long, and crying to myself while whatsapping junhong or the old crew. Sometimes I just hate myself for always acting strong when I am dying inside.
A trip to UK and back, I have seen so much changes. The guy I liked got attached, cheer is just a big messed up team, the work I am doing is rather irrelevant to PFM, all the new injuries and the things I have to start adapting in Singapore... Everything is just one shot coming at me, I didn't give myself any time to rest.
My love life is shit simply because I really don't have the guts to say out my feelings and pursue it. I guess I am just afraid of rejection and no amount of courage will get me speaking from the bottom of my heart. And being the person I am, I know I always get friendzoned. Haiz, I really hate it when I start liking someone first, because it will always always always be one-sided. And now, I guess its time to let the current one go as well.
I really regretted asking coaches what are the plans for me because I didn't know it means no more flying other than mid-tiering. Why did I get myself into this shit seriously. I am stronger than all the girls in the team and at the same time I am still weak as a base. How much training do I have to do to reach the kind of standard that I myself think is acceptable? It is gonna take forever with the injuries that I have sustained over the past few years. My shoulders and knees are screwed already. And now add one more, my right thumb. I really don't understand sometimes why no one is willing to fight for my chance to fly. It is really just my fucking weight. If coaches are willing to give me a chance and let me train as a flyer, given my flexibility and body control, I definitely can do so much more. Someone once told me, my case is really a case of wasted and undiscovered potential. I know it is stupid to always be waiting for chance, and losing my weight all the way to 45kg is pure insane but still achievable if I work hard enough. I am naturally heavy bones and my muscle mass is just more than average girls. This really means fucking loads of cardio and strict diet plans. Can you imagine, beside having cheer practices, I still have dance practices. My output is probably twice than any other flyers in the team but I am still this heavy. Blame on my metabolism rate? or the fact that I am pushing my body so much that it hogs onto the fats and calories and refuse to burn them? Whatever it is, I am just gonna try my best for whatever shit that I have committed myself into.
Things are still as awkward as it can be, because I have no idea if we are really friends or not. Am I really forgiven? I really have no idea why I still feel like I need to try hard to be part of the you guys :( Haiz. nvm, maybe it is purely my own mental barrier.
I only have you le junhong. I know I still have my girlfriends who are there to give me support, but only you know what it feels like to be like me. Must faster come back from sweden ok? Haiz, my emotional support no more already, I am giving it up already :(
I shall allow myself to drop tears tonight and emo for all the things that have happened since I came back to Singapore. Tomorrow I will be up and rising again. Happy thoughts, happy life, and my wishes will be granted with my constant happy whispering to the universe. Jiayou Wei Ting, you deserve so so much better.
I guess I am just gonna let everything out without any covers. Because seriously, I think I have been bottling up for so long so long, and crying to myself while whatsapping junhong or the old crew. Sometimes I just hate myself for always acting strong when I am dying inside.
A trip to UK and back, I have seen so much changes. The guy I liked got attached, cheer is just a big messed up team, the work I am doing is rather irrelevant to PFM, all the new injuries and the things I have to start adapting in Singapore... Everything is just one shot coming at me, I didn't give myself any time to rest.
My love life is shit simply because I really don't have the guts to say out my feelings and pursue it. I guess I am just afraid of rejection and no amount of courage will get me speaking from the bottom of my heart. And being the person I am, I know I always get friendzoned. Haiz, I really hate it when I start liking someone first, because it will always always always be one-sided. And now, I guess its time to let the current one go as well.
I really regretted asking coaches what are the plans for me because I didn't know it means no more flying other than mid-tiering. Why did I get myself into this shit seriously. I am stronger than all the girls in the team and at the same time I am still weak as a base. How much training do I have to do to reach the kind of standard that I myself think is acceptable? It is gonna take forever with the injuries that I have sustained over the past few years. My shoulders and knees are screwed already. And now add one more, my right thumb. I really don't understand sometimes why no one is willing to fight for my chance to fly. It is really just my fucking weight. If coaches are willing to give me a chance and let me train as a flyer, given my flexibility and body control, I definitely can do so much more. Someone once told me, my case is really a case of wasted and undiscovered potential. I know it is stupid to always be waiting for chance, and losing my weight all the way to 45kg is pure insane but still achievable if I work hard enough. I am naturally heavy bones and my muscle mass is just more than average girls. This really means fucking loads of cardio and strict diet plans. Can you imagine, beside having cheer practices, I still have dance practices. My output is probably twice than any other flyers in the team but I am still this heavy. Blame on my metabolism rate? or the fact that I am pushing my body so much that it hogs onto the fats and calories and refuse to burn them? Whatever it is, I am just gonna try my best for whatever shit that I have committed myself into.
Things are still as awkward as it can be, because I have no idea if we are really friends or not. Am I really forgiven? I really have no idea why I still feel like I need to try hard to be part of the you guys :( Haiz. nvm, maybe it is purely my own mental barrier.
I only have you le junhong. I know I still have my girlfriends who are there to give me support, but only you know what it feels like to be like me. Must faster come back from sweden ok? Haiz, my emotional support no more already, I am giving it up already :(
I shall allow myself to drop tears tonight and emo for all the things that have happened since I came back to Singapore. Tomorrow I will be up and rising again. Happy thoughts, happy life, and my wishes will be granted with my constant happy whispering to the universe. Jiayou Wei Ting, you deserve so so much better.
03:24
